Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
