I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
