I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Randomize
