3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
