Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Randomize