So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
