I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
