he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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