He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
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