took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
