Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
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