can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
