Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
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