I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Randomize
