4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Randomize
