His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
