i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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