...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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