Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Randomize
