I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
