And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
