i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
