Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
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