I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
