my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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