Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Randomize
