Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
