he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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