I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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