Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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