They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
