you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
