hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
