Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Randomize
