My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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