You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
