I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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