You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
