he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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