So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
