Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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