Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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