U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
