fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
Randomize
