totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
