Cold hands, warm shart.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
