I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
