She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
