Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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