he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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