My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
pray to the hookup gods
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
