dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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