Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
