Where did you get a picture of my penis
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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