I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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