You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
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