My nipple is on Facebook.
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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