So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
