i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
