I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Randomize
