somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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