So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
