I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize