Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
