I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
