so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
