I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
