He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
