I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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