is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
