i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
