sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
