I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I queefed so loud it echoed.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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