I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
