my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
